Just in case you thought I wasn't crazy, anymore...
Ah... 5am & the ennui sets in. There's just something about this time of day/night that renders me completely useless & mildly angsty. Suddenly, I'm very aware of how very much I need to do, & how very incapable I feel of doing it.
I need a job. I'm cycling through giddiness at the thought of having a little of my own money again, optimism that I might actually be able to find a nifty part-time job that I could be happy with for awhile, scepticism that I'll ever find something I want to do that I can make money doing, doubt in my ability to find/secure/hold a job of any sort, & anxiety over needing to do so.
I sabotage myself, too. I hate that I do it, but I can't stop. I've practically talked myself out of pursuing a barn-type job before I've even actually looked for one, and then Cali told me today about a very probable shoe-in kick-ass job opening up soonish, & I very nearly had an anxiety attack. Sure, I'd be qualified for it, I'd love the work & the people I'd be working with... but it's *responsibility*, & the very thought of that scares the living shit out of me.
It's *really* unfair of me to expect the Squeezy to take care of *everything*, *always*, though... and I *really* want a bunny, but how could I justify getting yet another pet when I can't pay for the upkeep of the ones I already have?
And of course, I should be cleaning/unpacking/decorating, but there's just so much of that to be done... I start one thing, get distracted by something else, get overwhelmed by how many something elses there are, & grind to a bewildered, unproductive halt.
So I'm left feeling lost & miserable & confused, & wishing the Squeezy wasn't at work so he could distract me from myself.
See, I told you I'd come back here to whine, occaisionally. ;}
Give a Clix, if you please.
Just in case you thought I wasn't crazy, anymore... - Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003
Hiya! ::waves:: - Saturday, Nov. 16, 2002
New & improved home trephination kit... now with 50% more sequins! - Saturday, Jul. 27, 2002
slack, whine, & snot. A recipe for bitchiness. - Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002
Do you believe in time travel? - Saturday, Jul. 06, 2002
the moon sees me...