Head Splodeys

Hanged Bunny, part deux
2001-06-07 - 12:55 a.m.

Strange things are afoot in my head, of late.

I think part of the problem is that I'm really happy. That makes me twitchy. Look what happened the last time I started to get happy.

The lesson of rabbit is not to fear too much or what you fear most is what you will become.

That's not the whole of it, though. I've been traffic accident/road kill magnet girl all week. Maybe I'm just not used to being abroad in daylight, but I don't think it's usual to see 1-4 traffic accidents & at least one dead animal a day.

And then there are the dreams. Severely mind-fucked dreams. Like the one where I had some sort of painful, wasting, ulcerous fatal illness that only MS could heal, for some reason (he wasn't a doctor so much as a mage... I'm still reading _Dragonsbane_, ok? Lay off). In my dream, NC wigged because MS was going to heal me... like, completely lost her shit that he would even think to do such a thing. "But she'll die if I don't." "She's not your problem."

I told MS about it, after I woke up. "Do you really think that little of her?" "I didn't think so."

And then there's just that whole relationship-that-will-not-die between MS & me. I push him away more w/ every passing day, while he seems to be happy w/ me as the perpetual casual girlfriend. And now I feel guilty for taking him back (or, really, goading him into taking me back). Why couldn't I have just let him go his own way w/ NC? The pain would've gone away, eventually.

But, no. That would've been the normal, adult thing to do (I suppose a normal adult also would have moved out of the house, rather than just across the hall, too). On top of everything else, I suspect that it's primarily an ego thing with me. I couldn't handle the fact that MS might want another girl more than me, so I had to get him back. Once I proved that I could, I wasn't interested any longer.

That's pretty fucking tweaked, I must say. So now I've got this boyfriend-type-thing that I probably shouldn't have, his relationship w/ NC is even weirder now than it was before he got back w/ me, & everyone is confused & wary, unwilling to make any sudden movements.

Gah. I don't want to be the Hanged Bunny anymore.

Give a Clix, if you please.

midi lives in gloomcounty
midi came from Ravenswood Manor