Head Splodeys

Hopesprayersdreamsheartsoulmindlovelifedeath...feel
2001-05-17 - 1:25 p.m.

Soundtrack: really old, really angry Human Drama, and the aforequoted song from the _Chess_ soundtrack (British version, of course).

I can't tell a lie from an answered prayer
But I know when I'm cut and burning
One day I will put down the knife
Only when I trust another to hold it

Apologies first for not updating. I've spent the last couple days alternating between being fetal & wanting badly to break things. Was also busy doing fun stuff like driving to my mom's house to borrow money from her so I could eat, then getting a blowout on the way home, having to walk 2 miles & climb a chain-link fence to get to a phone, & watching a couple of tow truck drivers (one of whom bore a striking resemblance to Robert Carlyle) almost rip the front end of my car off trying to get it on & off the flatbed towtruck (yes, I have a spare... but the lugnuts on the regular tires don't fit the spare, & the jack that's in the car requires a front bumper, which my SS conversion no longer has). Apologies also for what's probably going to be a nigh-incoherent rant-fest coming up. I'm thinking/feeling far too many things to make it all make sense to anyone (not even myself).

Buckle up, & enjoy the show.

It occured to me a little while ago that although I've been attracted to the old "emotional rollercoaster" analogy, my head is really approaching "emotional theme-park" status.

Did you guys notice how happy the last couple entries have been (before today, anyway)? Cute stalker boys, porn, hopeful tarot readings?

Yeah, well. It's a giant load of shit, all of it.

The IP addies were the same as my domain because they were being sent from the same domain.

Yup. My new crush du jour, "Nic", who allegedly lives in Atlanta, & was visiting his folks in RI over the weekend actually lives right around the corner from me. I know him, even. Very well, in fact (though, apparently, not as well as I thought). Known him as long as I've known MS. MS knows him quite well, too.

We were at his FUCKING WEDDING!

Yes, folks, one of my good friends went somewhat mental & pulled a Cyrano deBergerac on me.

Can you imagine what that feels like? Meeting a boy who seems to typify almost everything you could wish for in a boy? Having a mad cyber fling with him? Writing pretty fucking graphic porn for him & receiving the same in return? Finding out that this person is actually someone concocted by someone you think of as a brother?

Well, I'll tell you what it feels like. It hurts. It makes you sick, it makes you bitter, it makes you want to hurt things. It makes you want to do drugs, any of them, doesn't matter, as long as there are a lot of them & they'll make you forget.

God this sucks. It sucks so unbelievably hard on so many levels.

It sucks because I was actually starting to believe that Mr. NearlyPerfect really existed, somewhere. I didn't know "Nic" well enough to think that I was falling in love with him, mind, but I was infatuated with him, and just the fact that there was this guy out there meant that there may be more like him... that maybe I really could find someone who looked like Baron Ghost from _The Adventures of Unico_, & who listened to the same music I do, & would think legwarmers are sexy & I look better with short, fucked-up hair, & who was willing to let me dress them like a Japanese Visual Rocker & would look damn good afterwards...

And now I know that's a lie. Apparently the only way that will happen is if somebody who already knows me carefully constructs a fictional Mr. NearlyPerfect by cobbling together certain parts of their own personality, certain things they already know I like, & some pictures they stole from who knows where.

And it sucks because I don't have many friends, let alone old friends, friends I know well & trust & enjoy hanging out with. And now I have one less of those. Even assuming that I can eventually forgive him for this unbelievably fucked-up deceit, how can we ever hang out again without feeling unbelievably awkward? How can I ever talk to his WIFE without thinking "You know what's really funny? I've seen a jpeg of your husband's schlong, & written a graphic account of exactly what I would do with it, given the chance (although, at the time, I really thought it was attached to someone else)".

And it sucks because now I have this dark secret about this person, & I don't know what to do with it. I'm not good with secrets. I don't like keeping them. But how can I tell MS about this? How can I ruin that friendship, too? And what about all of our other mutual friends? Hell, even my *mother* knows him! And I'm torn, because on one hand, shouldn't these people know that this guy is capable of this sort of thing? On the other hand, I still really like the guy (or, at least, the guy I thought he was), & we all make mistakes, & shouldn't I keep this between the 2 of us?

Doesn't his wife have the right to know? Is it my place to tell her, though? (no, it isn't. But I still feel bad).

And it sucks because now this person, somewhere in his subconscious, probably thinks that there really might have been something between us, in some other universe, because, hey, look... we had this incredible connection. But it's NOT TRUE! "Nic" is not this person. "Nic" is not representative of this person's true personality. I was writing porn for "Nic", not the real person (because, yes, I am just that shallow. Mr. NearlyPerfect is painfully beautiful, which is why I'm doubtful that Mr. NearlyPerfect exists in the real world. I'm not saying I'm not attracted to/won't date guys who don't look like an anime character, but I sure as fuck wouldn't be writing them porn within a week of "meeting" them). "Nic" does not exist.

FUCK!

At one point, "Nic" & I were discussing our doubts about our current SO's, & he asked if I knew what it was like to date my older sister (because, apparently, that's sortof how he feels about his SO). Why no, but now I know what it's like to write porn for my older brother. Thanks. I'm sure that built a lot of character.

And I kept telling "Nic" "you are too perfect... what's wrong with you?" And he never answered. And I told him that if he turned out to be some 14 yr old dork or 50 yr old pervert, I was going to be severely disillusioned with the entire universe.

Well, color me disillusioned. And far more so than even I could have predicted. Could I have the 14 yr old, please? Maybe a nice serial killer? Because this would have been bad if it was just some stranger pretending to be someone they're not to get into my virtual panties... it never even occured to me that this sort of thing could be done by someone I considered a friend.

So, now I'm mourning someone who never existed.

I'm mourning the loss of what I thought was a good friend.

And I'm mourning the loss of another chunk of my innocence/optimism/ability to trust.

Get the hell out of here
My heart feels
But words I say come from someone else
Blind to what you are

What lessons have we learned from this, children?

1) If it seems to good to be true, it is.

2) Mr. NearlyPerfect only exists in my head.

3) You can't trust anybody, ever.

4) My card-reading skills are, apparently, just about at party trick level. Hey, I have an uncanny ability to tell you how you feel right now, but no way of knowing why, or what will happen, or how you *should* feel. And it sucks when you can't even trust your fucking tarot cards, anymore.

I don't want to learn these lessons. I don't want to be the person the universe is trying to make me.

::sigh:: Ah, well. If anyone actually knows this boy: , you can tell him that some crazy, hot chick has been masturbating to pictures of him. Oh, & ask him if he wants the porn I wrote for him.