Head Splodeys

Fallout from the House O Slack
2001-08-23 - 12:54 a.m.

So, PR read my diary, or at least enough of it to piss her off. Below is an edited version of the emails I've sent to her today, included here because it touches on what I think are important issues regarding my life recently, & the perils of reading other peoples' diaries.

The entry that set her off was this one.

^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^

Ok, before we go any further, let me direct you to my not one, but 2 seperate disclaimer entries:http://valerian.diaryland.com/reminder.html
http://valerian.diaryland.com/001205_90.html

Let me remind you that I neither told you that you should read my diary, nor gave you the URL. I don't mind if people read my diary, it is, after all, on the internet... but I'm not going to apologize for things people read there of their own accord. Reader beware.

Let me also point out that on the day you moved your stuff back in, I was either in the middle of Zoloft withdrawals, or recently recovering from them. I can't even describe for you what that's like. You don't just go back to being your regular kinda-depressed self when you come off of Zoloft suddenly... your brain has a whole new way of dealing w/ shit on SSRI's, & when they're gone, it freaks out looking for them. I was literally scared by what was going on in my brain when I was off of Zoloft, & that didn't quit right away when I started taking it again.

On top of all of that, I was stressed about moving, stressed about disapointing you (yes, I care), stressed about breaking up w/ MS for real, stressed about not living w/ MS for the first time in over 6 years, stressed about what was going to happen to the cats, my stuff, where I was going to live, whether the Squeezy & I were ready to live together... etc. I was pretty much panic attack girl for most of the time from when you told us to pack our shit to just after I got settled into the Squeezy's place. Did you notice the part about the Squeezy bringing me Xanax? I wasn't kidding. If he hadn't kept me sedated over most of the past month, I pro'lly woulda lost my shit completely.

I'm not saying that excuses anything, I'm not blaming you, or even complaining, really... I just want you to know where I was coming from when I wrote the entry you were hurt by.

If I seriously thought you were bad-mouthing me to everyone, I would have confronted you about it. I do think that your friends' perceptions are skewed toward your POV, which is only natural since they've only talked to you. They're your friends, after all. The whole point of the entry you're dissecting was that I don't like being judged unfairly, which is the way it felt at the time. It's not a black/white/yes/no/right/wrong world we're living in, & I hate feeling like those are the standards I'm being compared against.

But all of that is neither here nor there. My diary is about *me*. I write about whatever's on my mind, get it out of my head where I can look at it, analyze it, decide if I'm being moody or if there's some truth to it. I will never claim that I'm right about everything I say in my diary, but it's always *me*, how I'm feeling *right then*. And right then was a month ago. If I thought you needed to be privy to any of it, if I thought you'd benefit from knowing how I was feeling, I would have told you. I didn't. You went looking for it. Now deal with it.

I will be the first to admit that we fucked up, & I'm sorry. But please climb back down off of your high horse & stop pretending that you've never a)been too depressed to get out of bed & go to work b)sent that house into foreclosure. And if you've grown beyond that, well, then I'm terribly sorry that we're not all on the same schedule for evolution that you are.

You may be able to deal with your depression in a responsible manner & live your life despite it, now, but you didn't always. That's my whole point. I'm just trying to explain what happened, & thought maybe you would understand because you've been there. I was hoping that by remembering your past actions/inaction, maybe you'd be able to see why things happened the way they did... that maybe you'd see that "hey, my friends have had a really bad year, made some mistakes, & sent my house into foreclosure" rather than "hey, these people I used to think were friends are lazy & insensitive & almost lost my house because they were either unaware of the consequences of not paying the mortgage, or simply didn't care". The latter seems to be the theory you're adhering to, & it's simply not the case.

I'm not trying to be *right* here, PR. I know I'm not. What I want to be is understood.

One more time: I am not blaming you. I am merely explaining my POV. No, it shouldn't have happened. But it did. I'm not peeved because you're mad, I'm peeved because you seem to be acting like this sort of thing would never happen if you'd been around, when the fact of the matter is that it very well may have, & has in the past.

Yes, we fucked up... but no more than you have.

For the record I am sorry. We told you we'd take care of the mortgage & we didn't. Like I said before, we fucked up, & I don't have any real excuse for it beyond the fact that this last year has been fucked up beyond my wildest reckoning.

I haven't changed, PR (at least, not about this). You just don't know me as well as you seem to think you do. If you'd like to get to know me better, try reading the entirety of my diary w/o taking it personally.

But here's a quick bit of Val 101, since you brought it up:I am an introvert, a hermit, nigh-unto anitsocial at times. I will do almost anything to avoid confrontation. I hate stress, & deal w/ it by pretending it doesn't exist. I also communicate much better in writing than I do IRL.

Not saying any of that is good or bad, it just is.

The practical application of all of that is that the house (and therefore you) had become a source of stress, therefore I was ignoring it. You don't hear from me because no one hears from me, not because I don't care. You're getting the full story now because a) you brought it up & b) I'm just not good at talking to people face to face.

And yes it is my life, & you can't live it for me... but when you see a friend destroying their life the way you say I've been destroying mine, you can say "hey, I care about you, & I don't like seeing you doing __". Kinda like we all did when you were dating CB. And, honestly, I can't think of a single time when you've said anything of the sort to me (though to be fair, I'm not in a very thinking-back sort of frame of mind just at the moment). I do still consider you a friend, PR, but not close enough recently to have any real idea of what's going on in my life... which is why I'm completely taken aback by how much you seem to think I've destroyed my life & "everything around it".

And yes, MS is definitely a part of all of this, but he's not responsible for my actions. There was a time not too long ago that I would have joined you in placing the blame on MS (particularly behind his back so he can't defend himself), but I'd like to think that, like you, I've grown beyond certain things. I've stopped blaming MS for all of my problems/faults. Maybe you should do the same. I am who I am. If MS has changed me, it was my choice to allow him to do so. MS can't be my catchall scapegoat forever.

And of course I know my friends are there for me. Knowing that intellectually, though, doesn't make a bit of difference, sometimes.

And if you know me half as well as you think you do, or if you've read my diary as thoroughly as you sayyou have, you should know that I will not ask for help.

Give a Clix, if you please.

midi lives in gloomcounty
midi came from Ravenswood Manor