Head Splodeys

Disclaimer, of sorts
2000-12-05 - 05:45:04

I've been reflecting upon the nature of online diaries...

I was telling MS about a friend of ours, who had written some rather...strong & not terribly flattering sentiments about his ex in his diary. Said ex happened to read the entry, & was upset by it. I commented that she ought to have understood that feelings expressed in diaries often aren't applicable weeks, days, sometimes even minutes after they're written. "No," insisted MS, "if you're going to write it down where the world can see it, then you'd better damn well mean it. That's one of the problems I have with that whole site".

So, I'm thinking MS isn't exactly thrilled w/ my online diary. For the record, he's never read it, as far as I know. I offered to let him, back when we were still "working things out", but he said no, if I wanted him to know something, I'd tell him. For the most part that's true, but there's a lot in here that I'll never actually say to him, either because the time never seems right, or I just can't find the words when the time comes. ::shrugs:: Initially, I was a little hurt that he didn't jump at the chance to know me better, but upon further reflection, I realize it's just as well. He probably doesn't need or want to know all of this.

I was briefly toying with the idea of writing him a nice, long letter, explaining exactly where I thought we went wrong, & exactly why I feel the way I do sometimes. I try to tell him things, but I express myself so much better in writing. Eventually, though, I decided that wouldn't be such a hot idea. Just because I'm convinced that life is a learning experience doesn't mean everyone feels that way. Just because I can't shake myself out of this relationship post-mortem phase doesn't mean I have to drag him into it. If he wants to live the unexamined life, who am I to tell him he can't?

Yeah, so anyway... I think that's the main reason I keep this diary, rather than a more traditional private-on-paper diary. I'm so wretched at communicating with people face to face, I need someplace to get all of this crap out of my head. Here, I've got a place to be as self-indulgent & whiny as I like, without forcing it on anyone. If my friends (or my aquaintances, or my complete strangers who just happen to pass through) care to read this crap, great. If they're tired of my bitching, they can just go somewhere else.

My whole point of this entry, though, is this: this is a place I go to excorcise whatever demons happen to be plaguing me at the time. I am often overwrought & irrational. Everything is exclusively from my point of view, often filtered through rather alarming end-of-relationship-induced mood swings & hormones. In other words, take whatever is written here with a pretty big grain of salt. Objects in mirror are less angsty than they appear. I do mean every bit of everything I say, here, when I say it... but that doesn't mean it's particularly applicable later on once I gain some perspective or I stop PMSing.

Alright, end of disclaimer. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Give a Clix, if you please.

midi lives in gloomcounty
midi came from Ravenswood Manor