Head Splodeys

An entry for anyone who's been getting bored w/ all the happiness & smiling....
2001-07-10 - 1:46 a.m.

I was starting to think tonight that I've been eating too much lately... then I realized that I'm probably *supposed* to be hungry after only eating a Whopper w/ cheese & 3 eggrolls all day.

Then we didn't have any 'Dew, despite the fact that I bought some last night. Am I the only one capable of ferreting out spare change & trundling my lazy ass to the Sev to buy more? No. But I knew if I didn't, it wouldn't get done, & there'd be no 'Dew for breakfast.

Just like the catbox never gets changed, the dishes never get done, nothing ever gets cleaned, the stuff never gets put on eBay, the bills never get paid...

Why the fuck do I have to be the responsible one? I'm so not good at it. And I'm so sick of feeling like I have to take care of my fucking ex boyfriend.

What part of "not my fucking problem anymore" don't you understand?"

When did it become his job to do nothing but bitch about us being broke, & be pessimistic about our abilities to squeak by getting the bills paid (again)? When did it become my job to somehow pull the money out of my ass (again) & make sure things work out, somehow?

Why is this still my job? I thought I resigned!

He wants me to co-sign a loan on the Bitchin' Camino he's got his eye on. Um... what? Well, we did have an agreement when we bought my Bitchin Camino... we'd keep our finances together until he had a car, too. He doesn't see how our no longer being together should change this.

I don't either, really. I don't want to go back on my word. I don't want him to be totally screwed.

But goddammit... there's a *hell* of a difference between paying $1500 cash for a car & co-signing a loan for $4500 w/ your ex-boyfriend.

So... why does he need me to co-sign? Because he doesn't have provable income. Uh... hello? You don't have any income at all, provable or otherwise. Besides... how is my being on the loan going to help? I haven't been at my current job for long, I don't make much money, & I owe money to practically everybody on the planet.

"I don't want to be on your car's paperwork."

(Getting huffy) "Well, I didn't want to buy your last 2 cars, either."

::blinks:: Uh... what? First off, my last 2 cars put together cost only slightly more than half of the car you're talking about my co-signing for. More importantly, you didn't fucking buy them. I was still stripping when I got the Plymouth, so I think I can make a fairly convincing argument that I made my fair share of the payments on that particular $1,000. Of the $1,500 we paid for the Camino, $400 of that was my tax return, & the rest was "our" money. Not yours, ours. I was still employed when we bought the Camino, remember? Remember how we both missed a week of work between your truck not starting & buying the Camino because *you* decided putting another $130 starter in the truck wasn't worth it? Hey, if we'd gone to work, we woulda been about $450+ ahead, even subtracting the money for the starter.

FUCK!!! Why are you still driving me so batshit? I'm over it! Done! Fuck off & live your own goddamn life!

Am I wrong in thinking this is at least partially some fucked up passive-agressive way of keeping me tied to him? Why can't I make him understand that I'd love to be his roomate, if he could be a goddamn roomate & pay his share of the bills, or any bills at all, really. Why can't he see that the longer I feel trapped trying to support my ex-boyfriend on $6.50/hr, the less inclined I am to want to ever spend time with him again?

Yeah so, anyway... what I started to say, at the beginning, when I was talking about not eating, was that by the time I had 'Dew, making a sammich to go w/ it just seemed too much trouble.

Did I mention I'm not on Zoloft, anymore? Not by choice, I assure you. Zoloft is expensive, though.

And let me tell you, Zoloft withdrawals are a bitch. And I didn't even quit abruptly. Regardless, my head is fucked. I get waves of strange light-headedness, I can't concentrate, making any sort of sense at all becomes a chore...

In short, it's been a very schizotypal couple of days. ;}

And my stupid old behaviour patterns are creeping back in. Stressed about not having any money? Don't go to work, & shop like a maniac. Stay up late & sleep even later, or don't sleep at all. Don't bother eating... it's a lot of trouble, & you can't really afford food, anyway (great... 'cuz, y'know... I needed to lose *more* weight).

I'd like to cry, but that seems like too much trouble right now, too.

And I'm worried about IV. God, I'm *so* worried about her. But I'm absolutely at a loss as to what to do about it. I can't even conceive of how to talk to her about it.

God, I hope my head straightens itself out soon. This really sucks.

But hey... at least I've got the Squeezy. I can't even begin to tell you how much he means to me. I want to tell him, but there are no words. I think he understands, though. He's weird like that.

But in a fucked up way, I feel guilty for having the Squeezy around. Not that I'm not worthy of the SqueezyLove (I think I'm past that stage, now), but I know seeing me upset upsets him. Which upsets me more. Don'tcha just love Catch 22's? He's offered to help me out in any way possible, including financially. I'll pro'lly end up taking him up on the money thing, soon, because I'm just that desperate, but fuck. He's been dating me for less than a month, he shouldn't have to help out with my bills because my ex is being a fuckwit.

And it's already past 2am, & I have the sinking suspicion that I'm not going to make it into work tomorrow, either. IV said awhile ago that I shouldn't worry, because NM "understands crazy". Yes, NM understands crazy. NM doesn't really want crazy working as her assistant, though. NM has given me a job that needs to be done, & I can't help but feel that I'm a huge disapointment to her when I fail to do it.

Crap.

Oh... go see _Final Fantasy_. It's amazing.

Give a Clix, if you please.

midi lives in gloomcounty
midi came from Ravenswood Manor